You're not Here
by Smart Angel
Summary: He is not here. He is no longer here... And it is all his fault.


They didn't exchange words as he went out the door. She just looked up as he made his way downstairs, after another restless night. She didn't have anything to say. It was his way of handling things. She would stay at home and pray and he would leave for the entire day, only coming back at night.

His friends were worried. They tried cheering him up. They brought him drinks and tried throwing parties like the old times. But nothing seemed to work. If anything, the parties only made things worse. It reminded him what he should have done, instead of oversleeping because of another all-night dinner with his friends.

He sometimes could hear them talking with each other, sending worried looks every time he stepped out of the house. They thought about getting him help. Maybe calling Hao would help somehow. Maybe Anna or Kino could call his soul so Yoh would feel more at peace.

They didn't understand. How could they? They didn't know how it was to live like that. They had never passed through something like that, and Yoh hoped they never would. To feel such pain and have to live with that day after day after day…

Long ago he heard that with time the pain becomes easy to handle. Someone had told him, when he was just a little boy, that while you would miss them your entire life, after some time you would be able to smile again.

Yeah, right.

It's been a year since it happened yet he couldn't spend a day, an hour, without thinking about his face. Without wondering what it would be like if only he had done what he was suppose to. If only he was there. There wasn't a day that he didn't wish he could go back and change everything.

The walk was slow, like always. It always seemed like a slow torture, and now with the snowy ground, it seemed to take longer than ever. He barely had strength, or will, to lift his feet. They only lifted high enough so he could drag them forward, not caring about the cold snow entering inside his boots and wetting his socks.

Finally it came to view. His daily destination. He would always come here, no matter what the weather, not matter what the day was. It was his promise. He would come back everyday to be with him. Her needed to.

A sigh, before continuing. Somehow part of him always hoped that when he arrived there would nothing; that in fact it was all just a nightmare, and when he woke up, his son would be there, complaining about not wanting to get up to go to school. He would then hug him tight and not let him ago. He would say sorry for everything he did and kiss him and let him sleep late and spoil him for the rest of his life.

But no, there it was. In cold stone, the reminder of his mistakes, carved the beautiful kanji he so carefully chose.

_Asakura Hana_

And as always, when he read those three kanjis, he broke down.

The knees weren't strong enough and the tears were finally set free. Yoh couldn't stop the sobs from escaping his lips, and soon it was hard to breath.

Why, oh, why? Why did it had to happen to him? Why him? Why Hana?

It was because he wasn't there.

How ironic was it that he spent his entire life, saving people around the world, teaching them about love, order and peace, but when he came home, he couldn't even protect his son? He fought many battles and yet, when it came to it, he couldn't even remember to pick his son up at soccer practice.

It happened so fast. They had meet him only a few months ago. His friends had left only a few weeks before and Tamao and Anna were going to open the Funbari Osen. Silva had offered to come over with his daughter, who demanded meeting the nephew of the Shaman King.

They were all getting along fine. Not as great as it could have been. Yoh and Anna were tired. They needed rest. They needed to get used to this new life. And Hana was always everywhere, not able to stop even for a second. Yoh liked sitting down and watching him playing with Amidamaru. He thought about how soon it would be the two of them playing.

It was Yoh's idea to have him join the school's soccer team. Yoh had noticed his son's love for the sport, or rather, kicking things in general, and suggested. The boy had hesitated, saying he thought about it, but because of bullies at school he was not so sure.

If he hadn't pushed his son into doing it, saying that they could at least tried and if anything happened just quit, would things have turned out differently? Would he be here? Would he have met Silva's daughter?

Yoh, Anna, Ryu, Tamao, Manta and Horo-Horo were all awake the night before. Hana was long asleep, not surprising. Anna had put him in bed before. It was just a simple talk about old times. Then there was a drink. And another one. And another one.

The next day Yoh hadn't woken up to take him to school. Ryu had, like always. But Yoh had promised he would pick his son up at his first soccer practice. But Yoh woke up too late. He ran through the streets of Tokyo when he realized he was late. His son was waiting, holding a soccer ball, with a black eye and a huge frown. He was across the street and called his son name. The boy looked up and smiled. He didn't even stop to look at both sides. He just ran towards his father and…

And that's when it happened. The car didn't have time to stop. It hit him, and then as Hana's body fell in the road, it ran over, the wheels breaking his fragile little bones. Yoh would never forget that scene. How could he, when he relived that moment every night? He would see his son's pale face, his blond hair getting soaked in his own blood, the arms and legs twisted in ways Yoh never thought it was humanly possible.

But he didn't die there. No, Yoh ran to him, and he could still see some life inside his son. He was desperate while waiting for the ambulance. It was agonizing. Seeing the blank expression, with a tear running down every now and then. He died in the way to the hospital.

And it was all his fault.

It happened a year ago yet the pain didn't go away. It felt like it just happened. It was too fast. Too sudden. They hardly had time to know each other! It felt like only this morning he was holding his little son for the first time, seeing those big light brown eyes and yellow hair, having those tiny little hands around one of his fingers. And now… Now he would never be able to hold his son again.

Yoh spent six years away, and when he finally came back for his son, he was taken away.

"I'm sorry." He sobbed, his hands covering his eyes, not able to handle it anymore "I'm so sorry! I… I never meant for this to happen… I'm sorry! Hana… Please, Hana! Forgive me! I'm sorry I wasn't a great father… I'm sorry! I wish… I wish I could have been better… You deserved better… I'm sorry… Hana…"

It was always like that, he would cry until he had no more strength, only coming back when the sun was out. He would stay by his son's side for as long as he could.

Why couldn't he do that while he was alive.

"I'm sorry… I love you so much Hana… I'm so sorry I wish I could not be a father for you… I love you… "

And then, he felt a small hand on his shoulder, cold, _ghostly._ He looked up to see who it was and he saw a worry face and a sad smile.

"I know… I forgive you."

**I felt like writing this, I have no idea why. XD I just love angst. ^^ And this… I was struggling with the age I would do for Hana, if I would do him at 13 or 6. This was actually an idea for a multi-chapter fanfic, but the situation is a bit different (hana is not dead). But I wanted the idea of "I just got back and he was taken away from me. We didn't even have time to know each other." And I'm not sure that would work with 13 year old Hana. So I chose 6 year old Hana. Hope you liked!**

**REVIEW**


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